When our two sons were about 14 and 15, they really wanted a particular video game, but that video game was rated M (mature, ages 17+). Like any parents who grew up without video games until the advent of Pong, my husband and I didn’t know what to do, so we said no based on the M rating. The boys accepted our decision, and we thought that was the end of it.

But a year later, when our oldest was turning sixteen, my husband invited him to choose a special birthday gift in honor of that milestone birthday. The boys shared a room and TV, and the TV they had was an older model, so we figured that he would choose a new, flat-screen TV that was just becoming popular but still a little expensive. We were shocked when he asked for the same $60, M-rated video game they had wanted the year before. “When you could have a new flat screen TV, worth $400 or more, why would you choose a $60 video game?” we asked him. He told us that this game had an online multi-player feature, something new that other games didn’t offer. All their friends were playing together online, and they were excluded because they didn’t have the game. It wasn’t the game; it was the connection and belonging they wanted.

We finally asked the question we should have asked the year before. As a parent, I wish I would have asked “Why is this important to you?” more often before issuing an edict or making a judgment. And if asking questions is important in parenting, imagine how asking questions could impact our other relationships, even our world. If we were more curious about why another person feels a certain way and less quick to judge and label without doing any homework, we might understand where compromise is needed rather than stoically standing our ground. And by the way, for his sixteenth birthday, he got the game - and the flat screen TV.

Photo courtesy of Kuhlens Photography